Fist bump, not hand clasp.
And the Cunard cruise line has actually banned contact altogether.
No more courtesy greeting gestures, the Captain is officially off limits.
Shaking off sickness
Norovirus paranoia has finally spoken – with recognition that the bug is spread by physical contact.
Hence all the hoo-hah about alternative greeting actions, like fist bumps.
Er, no. For a classy £5,000-a-head swank-arama cruise on one of Cunard’s Queens, a “hey dude” greeting like a fist bump doesn’t exactly fit the protocol.
Not any ordinary cruise line, right?
Like, for a company currently celebrating 175 years in the No 1 slot of high society leadership, where’s the tradition and ceremony?
Because the time-honoured ritual of shaking hands is not just going through the motions, it’s a centuries-old signal of peaceful intentions – open demonstration that no weapon is threatening, the meeting is non-hostile.
Kind of important to a cruise line where the Captain is always in dress whites – you can even imagine a ceremonial sword too.
And you’re not a pirate.
Fist bump? Not on his watch!
OK, so the story has hit the headlines – and norovirus is the bad guy, again.
Notice how carefully everybody steps around the real issue behind ANY norovirus issue.
Somebody’s got dirty hands.
Which is why all the nonsense with fist bumps – the norovirus handshake.
Not good enough, Jim – the stuff spreads on contact. The only way to be virus-free is the Ebola handshake – no contact means NO CONTACT.
Denial, denial, denial
As if any of your top rank dowagers are going to admit dirty paws. Or any of your high-flying millionaire business types either. Dirty hands are dirty hands – exactly the same for celebrities and nobodies both. A revelation about white gloves for ceremonies, isn’t it?
And anyway, fist bump – where does that come from?
Pro boxers squaring up in the ring before a fight, that’s where – since the early 1900s. Legends like Joe Louis and Jack Dempsey. Shake like gentlemen and come out fighting.
Yeah, right. So your intentions ARE warlike.
You want to beat someone up – AND you want to pass on your norovirus – our modern take on the age-old insult “you make me sick”.
Because, make no error – norovirus IS the Don’t-Wash-Hands Disease.
You don’t get it from something you’ve eaten or dodgy hygiene in a restaurant. Not always, at any rate. Truth is, that is probably rarer than you think. Though restaurants always get the blame. For every one finger pointing, there’s always three pointing back.
Nine times out of ten it’s germs from your own unwashed hands that give you the stomach bug. The burger you chowed on during the shore excursion – or a close relative.
Puts a whole new perspective on food labelled “Gastro” doesn’t it? (Is it guaranteed to give you gastroenteritis?)
Because if we’re honest, when was the last time ANY of us washed our hands? A whole morning? A whole day?
And how many times have we been to the loo in that time?
Enjoying ourselves on a cruise ship – cokes, margaritas, milk shakes. Let’s not kid ourselves – that’s at least two diversions for a sprinkle.
Down and dirty
And you ate that burger with your fingers?
Makes you queasy just reading about it, hey?
But there’s an answer. One that none of us seem to WANT to accept.
Denial is easier, it can’t happen to me.
Until the first cramps happen – the first upchuck.
There ain’t no immunity – and this stuff spreads like wildfire. But there is protection – we do have a defence.
Soap and water – easy.
Yet we run scared in denial, like vampires from garlic.
We even KNOW germs make us sick, yet still skip scrubbing up.
Masochists, right? We must want it to happen.
Unless of course, it’s enforced. They can’t make us do it at home – but they can at sea.
ATTENTION PLEASE, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING – ALL PASSENGERS MUST WASH THEIR HANDS BEFORE COMING ABOARD.
Aye, aye, Cap’n sir.
And instead of the norovirus handshake, maybe we should salute.
After all, issuing that order just saved us from the Don’t-Wash-Hands Disease.
Disobeying it at sea is mutiny – risking the death penalty.
And that’s true.
Yup, get real. Norovirus is as common as the common cold and kills 200,000 people every year.
So over to you – it’s in your hands now.